Wyn Drabble: David Seymour’s updated food pyramid

As we climb the dizzying heights of the pyramid, things get a little dodgier. Don’t, whatever you do, look down.

We are now entering the dodgy zone of things to avoid, or at least go easy on. As you might expect, this zone consists mainly of items that taste great - chocolate, chewy toffees, gateau, beer - but are high in fats, sugar or salt.

But it seems the apex of the food triangle has recently been updated by Associate Education Minister David Seymour as part of the school lunches programme; it now includes the likes of couscous, sushi, hummus and quinoa.

Please note these foods are not necessarily bad for you - they are there because Seymour thinks they are “woke” and therefore to be avoided.

So what makes food woke? Well, basically it’s down to whether Seymour thinks it is. But I would say it means anything that he might see as a bit fancy or trendy. Or, dare I say, foreign.

An example should help. To me, an avocado shouldn’t rate as woke. But smashed avocado on char-grilled sourdough bread is definitely woke - even more so if the bread is painted with extra-virgin olive oil before grilling.

Cheese probably has a foot in both camps. Mild and tasty are certainly not woke, but Stilton, Emmental and Red Leicester almost certainly are.

Halloumi is definitely woke - especially when it’s grilled and served nestling on a bed of micro-greens, lightly drizzled with extra-virgin olive oil and splashed with a few drops of balsamic vinegar.

Anything described as a wrap is definitely woke.

Are you getting the idea?

Do you really care, anyway?

Let’s take time to look at three other countries which provide free school lunches: Finland, Sweden and South Korea. Let’s now zoom in on South Korea’s offerings and rate them on the Seymour standard: noodles, stir-fried meat, suyuk (simmered pork), tteokbokki (rice cakes in a spicy sauce) and bibimbap (rice with vegetables).

Those items would definitely get a woke award from Seymour, who might like to see a Marmite sandwich and an apple in the South Korean lunchbox.

Finland and Sweden both offer hot dishes and vegetarian and gluten-free options are available, though those options might be considered woke.

Estonia, too, offers free school lunches. I suspect herring, meats, beetroot, pickles and potato salad are involved, but I would need to let Seymour determine their levels of wokeness.

I have a sneaking suspicion dill would also be involved, and that would surely be in the woke basket.

If my bright and shiny newer maths is up to scratch, there are two high-income countries which have no national school meals policy at all. They are Australia, Canada and Denmark. Or did I forget to carry the one there?

Anyway, after all this food talk I’m feeling a bit peckish, so if you don’t mind, I’ll head off for a snack. I’ll have sushi on a bed of couscous and quinoa with hummus on the side. And maybe a sprinkling of chopped dill.

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.